The Hinged Question

We've been offline, without a computer and focused differently. In a couple days we gather at the vardo's front porch for an `Aha. An `Aha in Hawaiian means a gathering or meeting and it also means the cordage used to measure and position the corner posts for building a new home. In English, the same letters A-h-a would sound like someone exclaiming "Aha," as in "I get it!" A play on words and the synergy of Hawaiian and English hinge as we put this gathering together.

Like a question mark with many 'dots' to it hinged together literally, and visually, Pete and I worked to create this large playful prop; a vital character in our journey to get us from here (Whidbey Island in the Salish Sea, Washington) to an island (we're not sure which one yet) in Na Kai Ewalu (the eight seas of Hawaii). With a pencil I drew the rune and four circles onto a well-seasoned and aged piece of plywood. Pete cut the shapes out.

The hinge, Pete told me goes way back. "To a piece of leather, hide, connecting two things together." In one of his many cardboard boxes filled with things a man that tinkers and cobbles must have there is always a box of hinges. For as long as I have known him, there have been hinges saved or recycled from one project, gate, cabinet or box.

The idea, and image of a hinged question mark came during those days and nights without a computer when instead I have taken to filling a sketchbook with pencil drawings to navigate uncharted waters. I had just finished reading the mythic post end of the world story Tatterdemalion, a collaboration between my long time heroine-artist/drawing wizard and sister of the wheelie home Rima Staines, and wildcrafter writer Sylvia Linsteadt. One of the drawings done by Staines is that of a hinged fish, a salmon. From that inspiration I saw in my own life the many ways hinge plays a major role. The questions rose: how is my life hinged? what parts of me hinge because in some way I am broken? does it make me more or less ... 

This image and character was done with my non-dominate hand (the left one) and is growing into a story that will become something more. She has a story gestating. One of the dots on the many dots on that hinged question mark? Perhaps. While we concentrated on the hard work of making art of our real life, Art slipped in and me with it...  

She dangles here from the corner drain pipe of our outdoor kitchen, The Hinged Question, part of our present and very much included in the gathering of people and clues, questions and possibilities that we invest in with hopeful enthusiasm. We are the old people who are young at heart. I heard one of the young people described us that way today. He, that young person, said "That's why I like you two!" Nice to be thought of as young at heart by a young in age man. It is that youthful heart that will feed our curiosity as our bodies grow with age, and perhaps attract the strong bodied ones who can do for us what we need help with.

I hope he shows, that young strong man. Pete invited him to gather with us on Saturday. It will be the company of a mixed bag of hinges that we will feed chicken dinners and home made corn bread inviting a collective imagination and connections.

"Young at Heart" by Bing Crosby 1954... very old school crooned in the voice my father loved.

Yod(a) and the Pink Flamingo

I had a difficult night last night: the full moon in Sagittarius was highlighting my vulnerabilities and to explain them to someone else?... I didn't have the words for someone else. So I talked myself through the panic attack, filled many pages in my sketch book, and took St. Joan's Wort to calm or bank the fire within me and Osha for the reactions I was having, According to herbalist and Wise Woman Ways Susun Weed, "Osha root tincture has the amazing ability to stop anaphylactic shock and other nasty reactions to allergens and venoms. Because over-use and over-harvesting endanger this rather rare perennial plant, I use osha in tiny amounts (3-5 drops) and only in emergencies. A half- ounce bottle of osha root tincture ought to last a lifetime. (If you can only buy a whole ounce, share half with a friend.) " I used more than the 3-5 drops, and I'm here to write the tale. The pollens from grass are raging here, that on top of the already dastardly insistent Scotch Broom that is every where and in full bloom.

I am just back from a short adventure to the Farmers' Market. Donned with my face mask, and oxygen tank just in case, I went to check on buying some eggs from a local farmer who feeds her chickens Scratch and Peck, a no soy feed; I don't 'do soy' but love a tasty egg now and then. We discovered Scratch and Peck when we had our hens and know how good a tasty egg can be. 

"We'll have eggs next week," the farmer told me. "No signup lists for the eggs, that's just one more thing to keep track of and we don't seem to have much trouble selling them out. So ... try to get here early next week." Empowered with this small success of a venture, engaging in simple and meaningful conversation I bought the luscious bunch of White Salad Turnips that will go nicely with Italian chicken sausages for dinner tonight. 

My walk around the local market setup brought me to a friend's stall. We waved, and I came closer to chat. Pointing to my mask I said, "Pollen season." My farmer friend took it from there, "No kidding. The grasses are blooming. I'm good inside, but outside. The grass is tall and all over the place, and I con't mow it. It's tough to be a farmer with hay fever and this is our heaviest planting." Oh man, that really got me. The pollens, the hay fever is not just challenging me; I am not alone.

Pete is away for a long weekend with his family; for the first time in years we are two peas in separate pods. Several friends have sent me messages offering me help in whatever form I might need it. It's a comfort to to know that, and I've told them so. I kept my cellphone close as I weathered a dark night without Pete. Getting out today to hear the voices of my neighbors, the farmers and friends in my community, was a gift, It is important for me to unlearn the feeling of helplessness that can come with a panic attack. Life with Environmental Illness is not easy, but it is a mistake to believe life happens without mistakes and mishaps, or panic attacks; or that others don't share similar discomfort.

Old perceptions and rules that used to work aren't necessarily the best adaptations for today, or for the future. Three days and night alone, I test my resiliency and self-respect. I found this bit of astrology to amend my approach to navigating with my eye on the future. It comes from Satori Harris's Weekend Love Forecast --Make an Emotional Connection and Jump into Conversation (for June 9-11, 2017). Along with her prose was a photograph of something very pink approaching the shore. (It wasn't this very pink flamingo paddle boat, her photograph was taken by her daughter, but close enough. I recommend reading Satori's post in its original form.)

..."Start communicating and look for action options. New routes aren’t built overnight, but every day brings us closer if we take our daily steps. The mind is swirling with an abundance of ideas. Broadcast and cooperatively communicate. The senses are on point, and the course of events is unfolding beautifully! Saturday the Moon enters Capricorn, an opposition to Mars, and a trine to Venus. By date time it aspects Mercury in quincunx. Desire is definitely sparked, and action is the perfect counterpoint to a grounded mood and affect. Delicious. Put out feelers and inviting messages. Decide how to respond or gauge their response in real time. Don’t go with a canned answer. How do you feel? Express that. Then act on it. Rawr.

Pete called from the family reunion in Minneapolis and passed the phone around. I got to speak with and listen to three of the nieces. There were no canned answers (on either end) and the enthusiasm since we have not seen each other for a dozen years or more, was such a real delight. There were details and grounded affects to feel; real stuff to fill in the spaces. I feel included, and informed: one niece is mothering and relating to a sixteen year old daughter who is six feet tall and still growing; a second niece has just divorced her wife and is living with her first wife; the third niece, visiting from Hawaii Island has accepted her first full-time teaching job in a town with a Hawaiian name that rolls over my tongue -- Na'alehu,  like chilled liliko'i juice on a hot day. There was time for the give-and-take of "And what have you been up to?". These were cooperative conversations! After the reunion calls I sat to let the vibe sink it. And called my son; I needed the full family experience. I wanted to hear from him on this full moon weekend. I was not disappointed; the back and forthness kept up.

Saturday night into Sunday morning, the Moon squares Jupiter. It then heads into sextile with Neptune. If we don’t rush to judgement, things begin to come about in their own time. It feels right when we connect to a higher vision of our worth, and we can tell if we’re on the right path by how it feels.

Together the Moon and Neptune form a yod with Vesta in Leo. Feel for what is truly important, for what is authentically you, your most authentic self. Remember this feeling as a touchstone.

When I was going through the dark places alone in the night my vulnerabilities left me impatient for remedy; I sketched with my left hand making marks that I could turn from lines into a patterned face, a message, some meaning or an anchor. I was 'rushing to judgement' and relief not letting things come about in their own time; that's what a panic attack does. What I did not see in one of my sketches was the face of small almost duck-like creature with big ears. Yoda-san, legendary Jedi Master, hidden but present in my non-dominant hand renderings.

The yod, or Yoda signature, created with the Moon, Neptune and Vesta in Leo is the life jacket offered up to me in the early morning of Saturday, June 10, 2017. Living through the panic attack and fear or crisis I could not see the forest for the tress. After reading and then rereading Satori's Weekend Horoscope, the words and the image created that touchstone she refers to. 

In an earlier post on the asteroid Vesta, Satori has this to say about Vesta.

" ... Vesta in the chart, at its simplest, is where that deep energy is devoted to a higher purpose. In antiquity, Vestal Virgins tended the fire in the temple, and Vesta is associated with the hearth and the constant fire within. Because of this it is most straightforward to look at the Vesta position to note what a person holds sacred, the center of their fiery devotion, the hearth they tend and protect. Vesta shows where you are dedicated.The sign of Vesta will show the dynamism, the flavor of one’s devotion, while the house position will tend to outline the areas of life in which it is focused. A Cancer Vesta will strongly feature home, mother and feelings."

I do have a Cancer Vesta and home, mother and feelings are big for me.  

 The Moon then goes on to conjoin and cross over Juno and Pluto. Boom. That feeling sinks in deep. The touchstone is in you..."

What has happened to me happens often. I muddle through a dark place. There are lots of them in my world. Life isn't easy, but the tough magic of the fairy tale I live is made to hone my persistence. Not only is it important to resist what is not acceptable, it's the insisting to be present for the solution that makes it sweet honey in the rock. Thank you Dr. Bernice Johnson, founder of the fabulous Sweet Honey in the Rock.

I left a comment on Satori's post that sums up my experience with Yoda and the Pink Flamingo.

"Is that a pink flamingo on the horizon? ... Reading this again, with morning eyes after the full moon’s night. I think, I believe I see a pink flamingo approaching … and oh, I might like it (a lot) and, I used to think them gaudy parked in the neighbor’s front lawn. But … what if I am a living, breathing pink flamingo!?

What if I, see the emerging flaming pink flamingo self that is me after the dark night of the soul panic attack. What if the Yod(a) message for me is to unlearn any canned heat, or canned definition of devotion and value. Someone I trusted many years ago told me "A panic attack is a message that you're on the edge of something, something big and important to you deep inside. Something you try so hard to keep under wraps." 

Why ramble on so? Maybe this could help someone having a panic attack and prelude to the launch of their own flaming pink flamingo-self.

For an interesting description of the yod in astrology, Annie Hesse's article at Cafe Astrology.com is a good read.

If you need or want a refresher, or introduction to Yoda the legendary, go here, or here for some wonderful Yoda quotes.

Reflection

Just yesterday

One of my poems written during this sorting and preparing time; uncovering the bowl of stones left in my care ... realizing I had neglected them; made amends and turn the mistake into honey.

I did not know this was the practice.
Just yesterday I wrote my way through training manuals.
Paid well for content, but oh, no context.

I did not know this was my practice.
Just yesterday I re-read a rambling tale I wrote
Paid little for it, but oh, such context.

I know now my practice.
Just yesterday I wrote a story
Paid for in memories, but oh, much more.

I know my practice.
Just yesterday, he was a boy.
Today he is a man.

These hands

These are the hands that rummage

Like mice at their favorite

Pass-time 

These are the hands that are

Nicked in the work

That is legendary

These are the hands 

That have written

Boxes of tenderness

These are the hands that

Sort, categorize, push sturdy carts

Hold.

Golden-eyed 

Wild gone are the edges with weeds

Clustered, cluttered

They pester

The manicurist

Wild weeds and grasses

Tiny blue stars 

Golden-eyed

Whisper, forget-me-not

We are moving through the uncertainty of migration, only a few things are certain. We attend to them. The Moon is in her phases of 'ole, those times when new projects are best left for later; so we reflect and weed (or don't weed) and time travel backward more certainly than forward. Old papers, photographs, faces of younger versions of ourselves tempt me to judge the sagging skin, the fragile health, the toothless grins.

Life around us gives us ground to stand more firmly upon. The weeds have finally made their messages known to us, befriending time we learn: tincture the small white English one (daisy) for allergies and headache; Dandelion for its sap will help with the dark splotch on your cheek, pick the blossoms and swim them in vinegar for the belly, Nettles! good for so many conditions that pain us. Whispers from blue starred Forget-me-knows are straight talkers.

For awhile I honor the journey through the muddle and forgive myself in the morning after a night of fretting over the mistakes that mount on horseback. Threatening to stomp on my nest of brooding eggs like tundra caribou over plovers yet to be. Then, I remember Antonio Machado's poem about dreaming, mistakes and honeybees.

Last night as I was sleeping,

I dreamt—marvelous error!—

that I had a beehive

here inside my heart.

And the golden bees

were making white combs

and sweet honey

from my old failures.- Antonio Machado

Committing to our greatest good

"The full moon in Sagittarius takes place in the morning on June 9th, 2017.  Deep down, you probably know what you want (and need) for your future in order to manifest your greatest good..." - Elsa P.

The winter just passed has been one of those harsh, and necessary, experiences for whittling down what is no longer working. Our chosen lifestyle that counts on the safety of a cozy and mobile nest of a bedroom has worked long enough to show us the benefits and limits of sharing space in an environment that includes (increasingly) cold and damp winters.  Vardo for Two is definitely built to accommodate us because she is made with materials that are non-toxic and tolerable; the windows and door are stout and seal out smoke and chemicals; our small Austin Air Filter cleans the air of pollen and pollutants; the electric heater we use is efficient and dependable; our ten year old organic cotton futon and bedding continues to serve us kindly with restorative sleep.

What we know we cannot manage over time is winter where we walk fifty feet to cook and eat and be in a space that expands our quality of life. We've done that and as Elsa P. puts it in her forecast for a Sagittarius Full Moon, "Deep down, we know what we want and need for our future in order to manifest our greatest good." We want and need to head for home -- Hawaii.

Like the kolea who fly back to Hawaii in November from the continental tundra of North America, we want and need to plan that journey ourselves. We have done this ocean crossing more than once in the twenty years Pete and I have been together. This time, we are older, our resources are different, and MCS/Environmental Illness creates limitations that require great agility and informed decision-making to address the blockages and challenges. It's a good sign, this full moon astrology. We know we have to keep doing what we are doing: consolidating what things we need, researching and budgeting getting Vardo for Two and us from Washington to Hawaii, and when we have done our homework we need to modernize our approach for securing funds and support.

FB and email communication with my family back home in Hawaii is one version of this modernizing to keep us flexible and resilient. The younger generation is keeping me updated, oh how I love that they do!! Between the traditional and the innovative we build our flight plans. Wish us good luck!! June is our month for keeping at what we have already begun: sort, separate and down-size (inside and out:) The June 9th Full Moon gives as a glowing target to count on. I'll keep track of our commitment and our progress here.

Down-sized! 

(from the Quonset Hut to a corner in the Hale next to the shower)

Consolidated stuff

Remembering

Photo Credit: http://littleartistsbigworld.blogspot.com/2015/05/silent-art-auction-2015.html

Looking back to remember what's important. I found an article I wrote for Hawaii Island Journal in 2000. "Like Raising Fish" was written while Pete and I lived in my old family home in Kuli'ou'ou on the island of O'ahu. I reprinted the article on my old blog Makua o'o as a way to remember the journey is ongoing; becoming an elder is like raising fish. I love the 'little artists' artwork included to enhance the original writing, and the heart of the teacher who relishing the work she does with them.

Read the retro version of "Like Raising Fish." 

With the birds

We're under the cool, cool New Moon morning sky. New Moon is in Gemini. "Be creative (in the 5th house for me) at home as a philosophy (in the 9th house for Pete). and ask for help if needed." Ordered Violet leaf tincture and Linden flowers (for help) to be part of our Wise Woman Ways for including People's Medicine into our home over time. Instinctively I am drawn to violets because one of my earliest memories is that of hunting and finding the tiny purple flowers in the shady garden of my next door neighbor's. Aunty Lily taught me to notice and love clouds, and was my first herbalist teacher, mentor, all-around favorite Aunty of Aunties. I'm hoping to plant some violets somewhere this year, maybe in the orchard or in some partly shady spot at the Tilth.  Linden flowers are going to be the newest nourishing infusion. Here's Susun Weed and her grandmother Monica Jean making the infusion.

Good bye, Quonset

Life is a journey made by walking it, plans are nice, but timing? That doesn't always work as we plan. The Quonset Hut that has sheltered us and been our multi-purpose place had to be cleared out and soon Pete will disassemble it, reuse parts of it, and bit it a very grateful aloha. Mice had taken over the denim insulation and it was a gross and unhealthy reality.

We have relocated to mostly outdoors thanks to the unset of 70 degree daytime temperatures. Our kitchen and cooking is done under the eave of the Hale, and I'm seated under the big sun umbrella to work at the computer. While turkey and a root medley stew bubbles next to me, the birds are more so part of our moment to moment woods life, and soon I'll be enjoying that meal.

Grateful for our resourceful genes that have had lots of practice in nearly 70 years, I put this post here to document life, mice had a part in it. But there is so much more than mice in this fairy tale.
Hover over the photos for a little narrative and prose. "Good bye, Quonset. We will remember all the goodness you have given."